“Life coaches” are the cockroaches of the Internet— just when you think they’re all finally gone, they pop up in places you didn’t expect.
Being a skeptic (or rather, immune to snake oil), I truly believe that nobody out there in their right mind hires a life coach for any reason besides wanting to spend cold, hard cash.
So, I figured I’d do you folks a favor and put together a handy little list you can reference before you go wasting thousands of dollars on some blonde dip with spray tan to help you “find your life’s purpose.”
You’re welcome.
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The Unofficial List Of Expenses/ Things To Do That Make More Sense Than Hiring A Life Coach
1. Start a new hobby
2. Buy a self-help book (but actually read it)
I recommend this one.
3. Join a new gym or a workout class
4. Buy a new outfit that makes you feel good about yourself
5. Buy a new, comfortable pair of shoes
It doesn’t get any cozier than a good, old-fashioned Ugg knockoff, amiright?
6. Buy a blender and learn how to make your own smoothies at home
I love my Ninja!
7. Buy an espresso machine so you can LOOK ALIVE, PEOPLE!
I mean, why not, right?
8. Get really into loose leaf tea— you’ll never be able to stop spending money again!
9. Buy a business book (to take your hobby to the next level)
10. Buy a camera and start your own YouTube channel!
11. Buy a microphone and start your own murder podcast (although committing the murders yourself does certainly demonstrate real dedication, it is not recommended or necessary!)
12. Buy a bottle of wine and have a good cry (or, substitute wine for your spirit of choice… speaking of which, where’s my Thorny Rose?)
13. Buy a CrockPot and try not to burn down your house
14. Buy an InstantPot and try not to make it explode
15. Buy false lashes and see if you can turn them into a convincing fake mustache
Or, I suppose you could just buy this, but where’s the fun in that?!
16. Buy deodorant— nobody likes a smelly, lost soul
This one smells DELIGHTFUL.
17. Buy tahini and chickpeas and make your own hummus
Get the 2-pack; you can thank me later.
18. Buy a food processor so making hummus is easier
I rarely cook, but I use the HELL outta this thing!
19. Buy a good pair of real, leather shoes
20. Buy bran flakes and, well, you know the rest…
21. Buy a mason jar and make your own cold brew coffee
22. Buy a Pandora radio subscription if you want to listen to somebody else so badly…
23. Buy a pair of Dr. Martens and KICK all your little problems RIGHT IN THE GUT!
Is there a DOCTOR in the house? There is now!
24. Buy a good probiotic (because, clearly, you’re working through some shit)
I dunno, talk to your doctor first, but this one got some glowing reviews!
25. Buy concert tickets
26. Buy a lighter so you have something to wave during the slow songs (other than holding up your iPhone like a jackass)
Keep it classy, with Bic.
27. Buy a new pair of those snazzy computer light-filtering spectacles (I hear they’re fantastic for preventing headaches!)
I wear these (but only when I don’t forget to put them on).
28. Buy a new car
29. Buy an old car
30. Buy fuzzy dice for your new or old car
31. Buy a garbage can so you can throw out your ridiculous fuzzy dice
This one should do the trick!
…I can keep going, but I think you see my point. You can spend your hard-earned money on literally almost anything and it would be a better decision than “investing” in a “life coach.”
I hope you found this post entertaining, if not eye-opening. Thanks for reading; I’ll see you next time!
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