Feeling self-conscious about your tax bracket? Fear not! Here are 11 ways to fool people into thinking you shit gold.
You’re welcome, you poor slob!
- Feeling embarrassed about living at home? Don’t be! Instead of admitting you still live with your parents, just tell everyone they live with you! Wow, what a considerate, thoughtful, wealthy soul you must have.
- Or maybe you’re finally out of the house and renting a mediocre apartment. No one in their right mind would be impressed by that, so just replace the phrase “my apartment” with “my studio,” and let people imagine you’re some sort of loaded creative genius.
- Too broke to afford designer clothing? No problem! Just try to recall any random name you can think of—could be a former neighbor or even an old classmate, just as long as they’re also a loser no one’s heard of— and tell everybody your interesting outfit is actually from their latest collection.
- Whenever you try any kind of food, sigh as loudly as you possibly can, and be sure to cast a quick look of disgust before you say, in a disappointed tone, “it’s just not like the one I had in Paris.” This works for wine as well.
- Use every opportunity you have to talk about your semester abroad. Make sure to use words like “humbling,” and “eye-opener.” Bonus points if you can tie in some lies about grad school, too.
- Make up a close friend with a silly name— something like Muffy or RaRa— and tell people about all your wild times together when you were in boarding school, at sleepaway camp, or, better yet, during that semester abroad.
- Find some lonely politician in your town and invite him whenever you throw a party so you can show off you’ve got friends in high places. Make everyone address him by his official title (i.e., Senator Covington).
- Always be sure to tell your less fortunate friends about all your generous charitable donations (not to mention that wing they’ll be naming after you at the local children’s hospital).
- Buy a bottle of champagne and then upload a shitload of Instagram photos with it.
- Always pepper in a few celebrities/ public figures into your everyday conversations, but be sure to mention them by their first names only.
- Get one of those bumper stickers that says, “My other car is a BMW.”
And remember, always keep it classy.