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Look, I haven’t read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and I haven’t watched that new Netflix show, either.

 

I have yet to be convinced that cleaning up is magical (though I see how it could be life-changing if you’re a major slob).

 

As for me, I have yet to be converted, but I get the overall gist: throw away all the things you don’t need and only hold onto items that truly “spark joy.”

 

And in theory, that sounds all well and fine.  But deep down, we all know KonMari is just a fad.  Like the Feng Shui craze of the ‘70s and the inflatable furniture of the ‘90s (what’s the jackass who came up with that one up to these days?).

 

It’s the adult’s version of going through a weird phase in high school.  Like the time you dyed your hair blue, or started wearing too much perfume.  Or maybe you spent a semester abroad and came back pretending you were actually foreign.  Okay, I don’t know what you did in your teens, but we all tried out at least one stupid thing.

 

Here’s my point: in approximately 2 years from now, you’ll be rummaging through an over-stuffed kitchen drawer, trying to find the Goddamned spatula, cursing yourself for buying too many gimmicky knives that only work to cut one specific type of fruit (not to mention, your finger, as you dig through the drawer), with no memory of that Marie woman who opened your eyes to a new way of living.

 

And what will Kondo be doing by then?

 

My money’s on sitting around, doing nothing, trying to keep a low profile and not end up on TLC because… Marie Kondo is really a hoarder!*

 

I mean, maybe, anyway.  It would make sense.

 

Think about it: she writes this best-seller and gets her own show, “inspiring” people to throw away all their unused belongings and other tchotchkes (statistically speaking, some of which must be worth money).

 

What if it’s all just a hoax to get silly, impressionable people to unknowingly make a contribution to Marie Kondo’s own ever-growing collection of junk and other knick-knacks?

 

…Or she really does get an unbeatable satisfaction out of helping complete strangers clean out their closets.  Yeah, that’s probably what’s going on…

 

Believe whatever you want to believe, but while you’re contemplating if your toothbrush sparks joy, I’ll be over here, practicing healthy skepticism.

 

All I’m saying is every public figure has a skeleton in the closet, and I wouldn’t be shocked if Marie Kondo’s was big, ol’ pile of *gasp* clutter.

 

*This post was written for humorous purposes only.  I have no idea how Marie Kondo really lives, and wish her the best.  Please don’t come after me for defamation 🙂

 


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